This Feeling ...

Vulnerable ; That was my state right there . Thousands of emotions were racing through my mind at once . I was in the shower , completely dressed but the water cascading down my body felt no better . Just standing there I had never ever felt this feeling . It was overwhelming in a very bad way . I knew this was wrong . Nothing seemed right at the moment . But , my eyes were dry .
    Though a thunderstorm was raging inside , the surface was as calm as the desert , deathly calm . This silence was absolutely ear piercing and everyone felt that . The gloom that surrounded me was not unnoticed . But why was this happening to me ? My stoic and cold demeanor today was unwavering . No emotions , no remarks , no words . My body was falling in that abyss of silence and gloom again . What was the word again ? Yes ,' mauerbauertraurigkeit ' as i had found out was happening . I was pushing everyone away . Building higher walls than ever , I just couldn't figure out how to deal with this pathetic feeling . I knew for a moment that no one will be able to pass them this time . Whatever was the reason , I was never having a mental breakdown , not this time , not ever . ' The No Tears ' policy was already tattooed on my brain.
  I swiftly exited those few moments of coolness my body was experiencing under those heaven drops . Anyway that was the only way and the only place where I could have some relief . But today , nothing worked , absolutely nothing felt right . I faced the mirror . The image showed a girl that was void of any emotions . She had a little facial hair and pimple marks on her face . The girl who everyone had been expecting so much from . I sank down on my bed still looking at that girl . That girl , why was she like this ? She could have been better . Her curly wet locks of hair fell in place . She was never beautiful . Why was she feeling so pathetic and disgusted of herself today of all days ? I sunk down on the bed . It was a little less comfortable today . My mind was racing with emotions .
    I felt like jumping in a lake with crystal blue and cold water . Stretching my arms and legs wide open, staring at the sun that shone brightly and watching the clouds pass by . Then closing my eyes and going to the depths of the lake and having a very peaceful slumber there . Wait a second ! Why was this feeling so deep today ? I occasionally felt upset but it used to go away in a nick of time .  I pushed these thoughts away , brushed my hair and tied my hair loosely . Setting up my bed so that it looked presentable, I headed to the kitchen to fill something in my tummy . I was ignoring everyone . Striding down the hallway to the kitchen , I couldn't help but remember some things . Once my brother had called me unwanted and though he didn't probably mean it , my mind was too adamant to take it to heart . He had said that no one would even look at me and yeah ! I had been reminded then that fairy tales are just fairy tales . There is no prince and you are no princess .
 Pushing some strands of my hair away , I sat down on one of the chairs and commenced to serve myself . Anyway what was the use ? I was going to get stuffed up like a pig . I usually have that habit . I eat a lot when I am upset just like Po from Kungfu Panda or I don't eat at all . My brother had also teased me about how fat and obsessed I was getting while he was working out in the gym . Huh ! What was the use ? I was going to be wearing the Miss fatty crown even if I weighed like a freaking feather here .
 Well , this was not all .  Somehow , I had given mom the perception that I had not been studying and she had lashed out on me this morning . Why ? Wasn't I doing enough studying for almost half of the day ? I was utterly frustrated and angry . And it was not helping at the moment . She had been rambling on about how I should be working hard .
          Maybe she was never at fault  
 My mind was prompting me into guilt . And it was happening . My hands were shivering and my thoughts were racing like formula one cars .
       It had to be you . Maybe you are not the perfect daughter she wanted . Dad also said that you lacked in some things yesterday . 
  But I was never going to cry . NO! NEVER ! Don't you even dare come out of my eyes ! But I was already sniffling . Expectations ! That's what I had been fulfilling !
   You wanted to fulfill them . Remember ?
Yes ! I remember . Each and every moment they had been striving to make me perfect so that I could achieve my dreams . They had never compared me to anyone . So I had to be at fault . I am the worst ever !
     I  was startled and brought out of my trance when dad kissed my cheek . It was a simple gesture he did everyday . But today , it felt different . And it didn't need anything else for me . Tears were rolling down my cheeks . And I was definitely sure that my cheeks and nose were red . He hugged me and I cried my heart out there . I didn't care about anyone at that moment . That one thing had me break my overflowing dam of emotions . He whispered sweet things into my ear and hushed me .
   'I know what happened sweetheart . Just calm down'
   'H-how do you know I was feeling down ?'
   'I am your dad . I know things . I know you have been stressed out due to your hectic schedule and you need a break now Missy ! ' 
He smiled and playfully scolded me . And I too played along . I didn't even realize how much I missed it .
  'Acting mom now, are we?'
   ' Well, now that you say it , your mom needs a break too'
   'What do you mean dad ?'
  'Your mom was feeling stressed too . You know , stress does things to people they don't recognize. Who better than me can tell it now ? Talking it out helps the situation . And I pretty much noticed it when you by the way you are wearing your tee upside down'
 'What!' 
I was flabbergasted . How had I not noticed it ?
  'So, what do you say? Let's go on a vacation . And don't ask me where because it is a surprise'
  'Ooohk. Whatever. I am in'
He smiled gently and patted my head .
  'You know you can tell me anything, right girl ?'
I looked at his face which was etched with worry now . Waves of guilt and resentment now washed over me . How could I do this to them ? They loved me! They cared about me!
 'Y-yes dad . Sorry ! I didn't mean to give anyone the silent treatment . Its just that ..I don't know , I was depressed!'
And I teared up again .He again engulfed me in his warm hug . I sobbed until there were no tears left.
 ' Its okay to not be okay. Just talk to me when you feel something like this . I am here for you sweetheart . You are my little princess!'
He kissed my forehead lightly and wiped my tears on my cheeks .
  'Now , go and freshen up and we will eat some pizza and watch a movie . Is it okay?'
I smiled widely and replied while hugging him tightly .
  ' More than okay . Love you , dad '
   'Love you too,sweetheart '
  Everything was going to be okay now . But I still felt guilty . I was not going to let that feeling linger anywhere near me . What was I even thinking? I must have gone crazy .
    I was going to be suicidal 
But I know better than that now . I am never letting that feeling overcome me . I hugged Dad again and he hugged me back . I was never going to lose them . I loved them . I was never going to disappoint them . I was going to work harder than ever .

  I watched as the trio in lion king sang my favourite song HAKUNA MATATA!

Note: HAKUNA MATATA - a swahili word meaning no worries; swahili language is an old language which was spoken in some african parts .
 mauerbauertraurigkeit - an inexplicable urge to push people away even the ones you are very close to.